someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
