The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Let's get the cat blown out
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
