peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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