note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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