Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
