What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
