I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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