see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
