it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
