if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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