Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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