Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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