I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
