my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
ttyl tear gas
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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