i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
