my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
