She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
