Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
