Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
