If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
