pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
