If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
