am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I can text with my tongue
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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