I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think i have two assholes
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she told me i tasted like america
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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