Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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