my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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