could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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