I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
