i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
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you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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