If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
