i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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