This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
