why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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