I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
