you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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