shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
