ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
