Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
