the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can't put those talents on a resume
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
