I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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