would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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