I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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