Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
