no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
