I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
