I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
