She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
