I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
