I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
