Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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