Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
