once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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