im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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