Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
