Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
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