I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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