4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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